LOVE, LIFE AND WORK (1)..............
Part 1 of 3.............Love (Life and Work)


so.........love?

not sure i've ever believed in the sentiment that "you can't choose who you fall in love with...", i mean maybe you can't, but you can absolutely choose your actions regarding it right? you can decide that maybe this is the right time and allow yourself to be vulnerable to it, you can decide that it's not and be careful with your actions so as not to encourage it, you can cease all contact if you choose, or alternatively, actively pursue it....in short, you have the choice, and you have the obligation, in my opinion, to be honest abut your expectations, sometimes perhaps, not just with yourself.and yes of course i'm talking about this with regards to people who have feelings for each other, not just the "ooh i fancy a bit of that" kinda thing!
i don't think it's dishonest or even misleading to feel a certain way about someone, and not want to pursue that. and to be able to be honest about something like that, to be able to be strong enough and vulnerable enough to admit that takes a certain amount of courage certainly, but moreso, i believe, shows a lot of consideration for the other person involved?
i mean you could just go with your feelings and not think about the inevitability of the situation, which ultimately is going to not just hurt yourself but have encouraged somebody else to allow themselves to get hurt too, right?
perhaps?
i generally face a lot of disagreement on the matter.
i suppose where it does get complicated, is, though this is how i see it and i have learned to trust my needs and my instincts, i have probably put so much time and effort into that, i haven't at all learned how to relate or be particularly sensitive to handling the needs of somebody who doesn't see things quite the same way. and to be honest, that's 99% of the people i know. it does sound, i know, like a great deal of arrogance on my part, to still believe in something that almost everybody i know would tell me is wrong, but i do. i have yet to be convinced otherwise, i just hope to learn a better appreciation for those who aren't coming from the same place.
as you might have guessed where this is leading to....i met someone.
i met someone very shortly after arriving, someone wonderful and beautiful, who allowed me to see, for the first time in a long time, that i could want that again, and more unexpectedly, that i could have that again.
however, (doesn't there always seem to be a but!) i knew when i was leaving, to travel, that i wanted to stay single. i knew before i even left, that that is what i need. i mean i've been single for two years now, but i have only been truly single for perhaps the last few months before i left. i had only truly started to move on and feel free of my last relationship in that time. i had started reading and learning and coming alive and having fun in that period, i had started to realise my options and my capabilities again during that time, in short, i woke up and i stopped feeling sad!
with all due respect to those of you who are in relationships, and making them work, it's just not something i want or feel would even be good for me. i am, and have always been the best version of myself when i am single. i have always been more pro active, more confident, more capable, less compromised, and never ever lonely, as a lot of people seem to suggest would be the case.
in fact, and as ironic as it seems, as was once pointed out to me by an incredibly astute friend of mine, my truth is that i have never been so lonely single, as i have at those times in a relationship, when your partner lets you down in some way or walks away from you in an argument or perhaps doesn't come home after one. that kind of loneliness is really the only kind i can relate to, and this nonsense idea that seems to flourish when you ask someone why they are so desperately looking for love, common response being "but i don't want to end up on my own". i have no intention of ending up on my own! even if i remain single to the end of my days i fully expect to be surrounded by good friends and to have family and wonderful people to talk to and laugh with and love.
since when did that domain get commandeered by the marrieds?
despite apearances, i am not anti relationships or by any means anti men, in fact i hope to have many actually, relationships that is, not men......although..!
seriously though, i do, but at a time when i have learned to balance somebody elses needs against my own, and i have not learned that yet.
at a time when i have more to offer, and i feel that i have yet to spend more time on my own and be selfish to my own needs before i can.
at a time when i believe that that choice offers me more than what i have, and i do believe that is a rare find.
and at a time when i have addressed the 1 or 2 lingering demons that remain.
this is what i believed before i left, and despite the beautiful challenge that faces me, is what i still believe now.
but as we all know, the line tends to blur, particularly when the sun is shining and your laughing, and your warm and your happy and what you want is confused by what you know......and you're confused and so then they're confused because they can see that in you, and then they get hurt anyway because they don't understand and it all becomes a mess because i don't know....... how to not be..... who i am
which upon re reading this myself, i'm sure you'll all agree, is a disaster area!!!
maybe i should get a new tattoo afterall!
one that reads handle with care!
or perhaps more appropriately proceed with caution!!

i wait inevitably and hesitatingly for the comments to pursue! Julia i hope you're out there to balance them ; )